I Don’t Know How To Not Feel

I Don’t Know How To Not Feel SAD

I Don’t Know How To Not Feel ANGRY

I Don’t Know How To Not Feel GUILTY 

I Don’t Know How To Not Feel FRUSTRATED 

I Don’t Know How To Not Feel FEARFUL 

I Don’t Know How To Not Feel LIKE A FAILURE

I Don’t Know How To Not Feel 

We are in a holding pattern. Being home is hard because everywhere I look is a reminder of what we are going to be losing again when a place in a program is found. Every interaction is a reminder of what we have already lost to the thing that has had its way with my child’s brain.

Simple things aren’t. Pain is constant. And I just wish I could stop feeling it all.
At work I can pretend for a little while that it’s not happening.
I talk to fellow book lovers, people who know that there’s escape on paper and I peddle it to them.
And for a little while I pretend to feel whole. And I almost believe it.

Almost.