October 2000
I had a baby
She was so very wanted.
It took many months of trying
The only of my three that was planned
She was amazing right from the start
Ok maybe not during the hours of colicky crying
But yes even then
She started everything early
She was walking AND talking by 8 month
Yes 8 months
She was so happy and smart and she shined
For many years she shined
And she loved talking to people
All people but especially older people
And I held her and rocked her and told her stories
And at some point she began telling me stories
And drawing
And creating
And then the shine began slipping
Just a little at first
A few less smiles
A little more quiet
And then BOOM
“Mom I want to die”
And I cracked
It’s been six years
And the cracks have become breaks
And now we barely speak
I’ve had to begin protecting my heart and mind
So I cook meals
Monitor medications
Make sure services are in place
Etc Etc Etc
And I shine less and less
And hurt more and more
My arms are empty and I miss my baby girl
Even when your children are grown your arms still feel them
Even when it’s the shadow of them and they are off exploring the world
But sometimes something happens
And you can’t feel them anymore
Somewhere in the brain broken and wracked by illness
My baby is there
But my arms feel empty
And what is looking at me wants nothing from me
And I’m trying to not feel it in my heart
Because my head knows it’s disease and not daughter
But
My
Arms
Feel
Too
Light
*crying*
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