I was inspired by my friend Eileen to begin a blog that isn't about my struggles with my weight or my books. I will still be doing my book blog of course but this place is different. I have things to say. Things that will often be difficult for me to say and you to hear.
But I can't keep it in. I am busting with it, these words, they are swirling in my brain and gut and drowning me.
I am trying to throw myself a rope into the world so I don't fall away completely. Something to hold onto.
Today seemed like a good day to start this...it is the first day back to school after the Holiday Break for the two of my kids who, for now anyway, live here at home...HOME...what a loaded word...
A fresh start for them and a start for me to dump all of this guilt, ugliness, pain, struggle, and hopefully a few small victories too....
And what you may be asking yourself could be so bad as all that?
For the past six years my family has lived with an illness that one of us has but fucks with all of us...the person who has it being sometimes so oblivious to the explosion and aftershock their actions cause that they are the least impacted....Mental Illness.
My now 18 year old has severe mental illness....Bipolar....Borderline Personality Disorder & some level of Schizophrenia and/or Schizoaffective Disorder.....We are WAITING....and WAITING...and WAITING...for the formalization of diagnosis now that they are 18...some of this WAITING is age...many don't want to diagnosis these things until a person is 18 no matter how clear it is that this is what is going on...and the other, the harder part of the WAITING is the wait lists, the WAITING caused by a lack of there being enough providers....
So now I say what I have been stalling in saying by giving that bit of background....but if I don't say it will be another stone in my pocket pulling me under....helping to drown me in loneliness and shame...
I am so fucking glad that school is back in session, I am so glad my poor, sick through no fault of their own, child is not in the house....Things got really fucking awful over the past 2 weeks and I am tense and ashamed...but I am glad to have this space, this quiet before the school day ends, time without the tension of their presence and my inability to help them....
And as much as I don't like my child (FUCK it is so hard to say that, and I am sure I will be judged by some for saying it)...I love this kid so damn much...these two things war inside me....
Ok so think you will stick around? I hope so...but even if you don't I will be here spilling my blood in the form of my broken and ugly words....
My dear Wendy, as I have said before, I don't truly understand this illness, or disease, and never pretend to. I always keep you and your kids in my thoughts and prayers for what that's worth, but I do understand your feelings. As parents, at some point, we all feel helpless at our inability to help our kids whatever they are going through. I will continue to follow this blog and letting you know I am a good ear if you ever need. Not understanding something does not mean I don't care, or want to learn. I hope 2019 is the year you get some answers and some peace of mind none of this is your fault...
ReplyDeleteMy niece has bipolar disorder. She medicates it with drugs. She’s 19 and currently on the run from law enforcement. (She went to her parole officer and he asked for a pee test. She ran and has been running ever since.) I love her but can’t stand to be around her for very long. She’s just too much for my frazzled nerves. I can’t imagine living with her. I can’t begin to understand what it must feel like to be in your shoes. I’m keeping you in my heart.
ReplyDeleteThis is Annmarie. Love you, Wendy.
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