Unwanted. And wishing there was no relief.

I feel myself at war with myself.

There’s a meeting at her school this week.

To talk about the hygiene problems.

And the OT evaluation that was done.

I was going to go.

I didn’t want to go.

But I was going to go.

Because I love her.

And I still want to help her.

As much as she doesn’t want me or my help.

I just got an email from the school psychologist.

It was to confirm the meeting.

And to inform the team that she doesn’t want me there.

And I feel awful saying this.

Like I’m some kind of monster.

But I’m glad I don’t have to go.

And I don’t like this about me.

I’m truly tired.

Sour Grapes

How do you protect, parent, care for, a person who wants none of it and is so oblivious to the world around them that it’s hard to remember there’s no malicious intent on their part?

The answer is you just do it and feel like shit all the time, like the meanest mom ever, like a truly awful person.

But you do what you have to right?

I’ve been struggling over how to handle the night binge eating and her ballooning weight on top of all the hygiene issues. I have had to say the words clearly and to the point, I can’t hint gently because she doesn’t hear it then. So I told her that these were her snacks and anything else was not to be touched. Except she could have some grapes from the bowl I always keep in the fridge. It’s one of the only things I feel comfortable eating and that doesn’t trigger my food anxiety. But then I noticed the bowl, a pretty good size Tupperware bowl, was emptying way to quickly. So I asked if she was eating them at night. She said yes. It wasn’t just a handful here and there but a huge amount, like a full bowl would be 1/4 full come mornjng. It was an unhealthy amount of a healthy snack. So I told her she now had to ask before having some and I’d help her figure out a good portion. It was ok for a day or two then started again. I almost wondered if I was sleep waking and eating them. Or maybe the boy child was. So I asked if he’d been snacking on them...and he got sad and said that he’d seen girl eating them, digging in the fridge at odd hours when he was using the bathroom st night.

So now another conversation. And her telling me I never told her to ask now.

I’ve begun to wonder if I need to lock up food. But we live with extended family and I just am too tired to figure out how this would work.

But every small thing isn’t. And it all stinks...figuratively and literally.

That’s a post for another day. Because I already feel like a failure writing about grapes.